Relationship Growth and the Evolution of The Lift. Introducing, The Roll

The joke is tasteless. I’ll not recite it in full. It is a joke comprised of a question and a response that includes the words, “roll her in flour”.

I know. I understand the revulsion. You are probably thinking , ” Thanks Empath for accessing a place in my memory that had been erased and overwritten multiple times with puppy and bunny photos”. Yep.

Happened to me too when I read this. Her daily caloric intake is 8000. The method of caloric delivery is a funnel. Her belly is 91 inches. And she says:

If I lay down after a big dinner he has to help me roll over because my belly is too full for me to roll — it’s a big turn-on for both of us.”

She eats the Whole Food.

Something gave me a case of the sheets the first week kids went back to school

Adults visit school bathrooms this time of year. This year will be different for lots of people who live in enclaves of idiocy. Bathrooms need a quiet meditative space…an anteroom with a gurgling miniature water fall spilling onto pebbles from stacks of bull rock. Only by providing a place where one can select-a-gender, unhurried, intentional even, can public spaces achieve the, um, Target GPA (gender profile accuracy).

My daughters sixth grade hasn’t yet succumbed. The sheets sent me to the same restroom they would have sent me to a decade ago.

These sheets  are problems that are not limited to the bathroom.

The sheet below is about as benign as can be expected in terms of how administratively burdensome starting a new school year  can be.

Maybe the sheets were structured the same last year and I didn’t notice. Bit I doubt it.

Empath, that they put mom on top, well humina humina if she wanted to be there man.

Why would they change convention that had been in practice since the days when being handed a sheet to fill out meant sometimes a warn curling paper that smelled sorta good. Why make Mom the primary? Is it that so many are divorced, single moms by choice and she don’t need no man anyway? Is it that Mom is easier to reach than dad because she either doesn’t work outside the home or she has a job with more flexibility?

Perish the thought…immediately.

Mom is in good (on this) form, as she should be.





Brilliant Deployment of Passive Aggressive Voice

In this article I found an amazing quote from Sarah Jessica Parker. I’d have said astonishing but for the fact that it took me a minute to get google translate to recognize Passive Aggressive Voice (PAV) as a functional alternate language that just happens to use English words.

SJP was someone I’d seen nor heard from or about in media for a few years. I hadn’t realized that I didn’t miss her. See, that’s how that works. If you don’t miss someone…oh never mind. She has clearly mastered PAV, which is no small task given that it is always self taught.

SJP was doing the interview because she has a new program on HBO starting in October. The show is called Divorce. We around here already know the entire plot line including  exactly how it ends.

The interview was divided into small subtopics, allowing it to go beyond just the HBO program. She made the PAV quote under the subheading Marriage and Divorce.

“For me, it’s really the investment in the other person. And it’s the expectations you have. They change and you get smarter, and maybe you think those expectations aren’t worth striving for with this person, and that’s when people bail.”

Expectations can be and often are a problem in marriage. Specifically too many and too high. We know this already. We know because men adjust our expectations lest we sink deeper into disappointment as the marital years pass. Women have outlandish expectations on their wedding day and, as my Psychologist/Minister acquaintance aptly explained, women see that as day one of the project to remake her man.

Parker feints in the right direction with her (platitudinous) statement that its about investing in the other person. She goes on to say, however, that a woman may end up being unable to redesign her husband. She may instead grow more aware how little progress she has made and decide the guy just isn’t teachable. That leads to divorce.

Empath she was not spouse-specific in either the investment comment or the expectations comment. How do you know that SJP envisions the woman investing in the man, and the woman having high expectations of the man?

That’s easy. First the topic is irrelevant. Women are in their frame of reference, always.

Women see themselves as investing far more than they actually do, and the man investing far less. On expectations, she hasn’t even considered that a man would even have a host of expectations. Because generally men don’t. We realize its a path to disappointment. Women see women’s expectations as righteous and worthy. She is telling them to not leave over her man not living up to her expectations.

Her efforts to get the expectations met are torturing the life and will out of the man. She is frustrated and, per SJP, breaks the marriage over it. No, Parker says don’t do that. Stay and continue increasing expectations. because after all, its about investing in the other spouse. Translation: Its about husband investing in wife. Wife already , like Gandhi and Mother Theresa, gives it all.


But he threw the pizza rolls like a girl

The report says that he (Brad Beard) threw pizza rolls at her and she (Samantha Canipe) threw pizza rolls at him. Cops came. They were charged with one count each of simple assault.

Remember the reaction of the feminist after reading that college freshman admissions were comprised of 60% female and 40% male applicants? She said something like “we are getting closer to equality”

I’m thinking she went on to become a lawmaker in North Carolina where her brand of equality resulted in this display of fairness. :

Police say Beard faces up to 60 days in jail while Canipe faces up to 30 days in jail.

At least in NC they have eliminated the potential for unbalanced sentences for loitering in the washroom designated for the other gender. Now that’s progress(ive).

Stigma vs. Stigmata

Set aside the fact that the second term is one plural form of the first and  bear with me a moment. Because I don’t want it to be that simple. Now, using your own experience imagine the times you’ve heard or read these words. What might someone who is a  consumer of popular culture and modern Christianity  say about them? Most likely they would approximate a definition for stigma. Then, if they have average recall, they’d say the second word has to do with blood coming from the palms of people in scary movies. Yeah pop culture.

The cinematic references are inconsistent with the traditional Christian term stigmata. It is the plural of the noun stigma. It has been used to describe past instances of spontaneous manifestation of scar like marks on, or bleeding from the palms of people who were particularly pious (lacking a better term), like nuns and monks deep into lifetime of sacrifice and service.

Quick Empath get on with it. Or talk about scary movies. One of the two buddy because this is getting tedious.

I’ve had the privilege, mainly through my work,  to befriend a number of older men and their wives. In most cases they had kids m close to my age and i met and knew them as well. These men all profoundly impacted me in some way. They were a sort of amalgamated fatherly influence. It is my sense that those who had no children or those with only daughters found some gratification in mentoring a young man. Some are still around, some  are already gone. Recently I found a thread running through those relationships. It doesn’t touch each and every one as far as I can tell. It is, however,  preponderant.

The common thread is stigma and stigmata. Using the pedestrian definitions mentioned above, the men individually have a stigma, and the women collectively have stigmata. More plainly stated this suggests that the men have one or more major marital infractions while the women have been saintly in their forbearance.

I’ve had conversations with the children of these couples after one or both spouses died. Not being one who easily sustains shallow talk, the conversations I end up having usually drill down. I have heard enough stories about how Mom and Dad didn’t really get along well, but Mom tried her best. Its just that the Dad hurt her when they were young and she could not bring herself fully back into the fold.

Then a couple of months ago I reconnected with a friend I had not spoken to in nearly ten years. He and I took our boys camping and fishing for many years as they grew up in Texas. When I moved away we lost touch. We spoke for a long time when he contacted me. He told me of the deaths of both of his parents. In this case I knew the son and only knew the parents tangentially. So the son was honest.

He told me that his mother had died a few years back, and his father more recently. He chuckled and shared that he had zero idea what was really going on with his parents. They seemed fine. But Dad remarried two months after Mom passed.

I expected to hear he married his paramour. I was floored when my friend said that his father opened up to him, before he died, and told him him miserable life his father had had. His older sisters corroborated. His mother was an insufferable harpy. They had moved to Mexico when my friend was a child and lived for several years as expats. That would have been in the 70’s.

The return to the U.S. was when Mom went bad. She was crestfallen at the loss of the maids and drivers and large home in Mexico Cities swanky diplomatic and expat zone. She became a bitter malcontent. She incessantly nagged and dragged her husband down with expectations unmet until he found work that kept him on the road most of the time.

I had my red pill opener and I used it. And it reminded me of all the other stigma vs. stigmata stories I’d ever heard.

A woman can and will find something to blame for her seething discontent rather than examining her own expectations; expectations constructed more and more using materials provided by the church.  If, after decades of quiet suffering under the rebellion of a disdainful woman during which he maintained a calm gentle demeanor, offered fatherly steady child rearing and made for abundant provision…after all that, if a man deserves derision up to the moment of death, what can any man expect temporally?

This isn’t a question to stir hopelessness. It is more a Shit Happens Deal With It admonition for men to find a way to see the atmosphere of their home both from inside and outside. The view from outside often stands in stark relief to the life he marinates in daily. Talking to others about it, if they have gotten past the withdrawal from blue pills, makes looking from the outside in easier.



Pumping and dumping all day? No way. Be pumped and dumped? You say yeah!

There are folks who can believe anything. Things like

All that glitters is gold. (and Twitters)

What goes up stays up.

You can lead a horse to water but you cannot teach him new tricks.

Worthwhile things in life are easy.

They get their old saws mixed up with their old ratchet sets. The author does that in the article 20 perks of being a single mom (of one kid). In the list are things like (my paraphrase from the original)

-Not having a big pregnant belly!

-Snuggling with your kiddo builds that special mommy

baby bond.

-You can rearrange the furniture and not-need-no-man.

-No man can tell you No; Only your “little nugget” can.

-You only need to prepare one snack bag when you travel.

-No need to be pregnant for five years in a row eh?


And baby weight? Girrrrl:

You don’t have to worry about losing baby weight from baby #2, because instead of being pregnant again, you’re chasing after your toddler solo, crushing the “mom-bod” with nice legs and abs instead of milk-filled DDs and a newborn on your chest. (emphasis mine)


You can go out drinking and:

you don’t have to get home and nurse a newborn, or pump and dump for an entire day


But you can get pumped and dumped as you see fit because:


You’re still a babe, so you can actually look forward to dating instead of being scared of it and feeling “old” — I mean, it is 2016, so who are we kidding? It’s still terrifying thanks to online dating and this odd generation of nonchalant gypsy “men”, but at least you’re still young, fun, and confident – even being a single mama.Which what isn’t to admire about that? You’re strong, independent, and clearly hardworking, so those are major turn-ons. (emphasis mine)


I’m surprised she and her single mama friends are without fully booked agendas. The things she says about herself are such extreme turn-ons that I hope she has most of the dates in shopping mall food courts. Most men would be unable to control their base urges when faced with strong, independent, and hardworking. The crowd would help men maintain.

I cant figure out if she likes the gypsy “men” or not. Prolly depends if they are hawt.

Her article is about the perfectness of single motherhood. It complains about aspects of child rearing and about having a spouse. Neither she nor her go-girl-pals nor her stable of stallions and beta orbiters nor her friends that are married and have kids, none of them realize that the complaints about the mechanics of raising a child apply to her one child and to theirs as well. The complaints about a spouse apply to the spouses of her friends and to every potential spouse she has as well. The ability to simultaneously bash the needs of kids and husbands while heralding her mommy skills and dating value is something to behold.

That her mommy friends don’t see it is predictable. They want to be her. They likely grouse about having to pump and dump breast milk as well. But they want to visit the author’s stable from time to time where pumping and dumping isn’t nearly as much a chore.  .

Ten years from now she will write an article called “20 reasons its super cool to be a MILF with a teenager”

-He always has headphones in so he can’t hear when the

stallions are visiting

-Some of his friends are starting to look hawt.


So forth

The stallions win.

Christian Forums … Catholic Forums You from Jersey, I’m from Jersey HaHaHaHaHa

I went “back to Ohio”, and my city was still gone. The experience was more about learning that scorched earth never regrows beautiful greenery but for willingness to accept divine intervention.

The recent recollection of blog motive had me take a peek at Christian Forums, where it all started. I was not surprised to see a redesigned site. I was very surprised to see many of the same men and women still plowing the same infertile ground. The swords became plow shares but attempts at farming the barren earth have that the tractor is dragging a clanking pile of oxidized sword metal.

No sex for 7 months, proclaims the OP. And they’re off.

The women*:

…..and neither is it “a good thing” for a woman to be pressured and guilted into sex (especially using the Bible to do so! Like Paidiske mentioned earlier…that’s adding in a whole other variety of abuse into the mix).

Sex is (what I believe, anyway) meant to be a mutual expression of love. It’s not something one spouse demands or obligates the other for. That’s loving “pleasure” more than the other person (or even God….as in 2nd Timothy 3:4). I believe that is a “sin” in itself. The OP seems to have a much more generous attitude than a lot of people that are responding….I’m hoping that doesn’t influence his attitude negatively.

The men:

I obviously don’t know you or her well enough to speak absolutely, but I would bet a dollar that it’s one of three things:

1. She is having or has had an affair.
2. She was raped or sexually abused.
3. She is using sex as some sort of leverage.

In any case, she needs to face the realities of abandoning you. A man with no sexual outlet is not a good thing.

and **

I suppose the author could have left out a part about a pelvis crushed in an accident, or could have refrained from initiating or there could be many other factors, in which case my post would not be applicable. That doesn’t appear to be the case.

Every trope of BS that exists for defending women denying sex to husbands is present in this thread. Between the boldness of Biblical admonition, and the blunt psych realities Rollo (and others) explains so eloquently, there is no excuse for the existence of a safe place to regurgitate this canned defensive nonsense.

There is not a microns difference between CF and CAF.

*This -gal- has been dominating the forum for nearly ten years. If it is accepted conventional wisdom, she can wrap it in em,pathetic ribbons and repeat it with both sincerity and a sense that she thinks she is bringing the wisdom fresh for the first time, new ideas.

**This guy is doing a yeoman’s work, he was there in 2009 and 2010 when I was there. He was (mostly) taking no prisoners then, yet somehow he avoided the cleaver that got me and my two inactive blog partners


Rainbow Foto Frames and Unloading the Dishwasher

Since last weekend I have noticed friend after friend surrounding their Facebook profile pics with the rainbow flag themed solidarity frame. Others have posted photos of banners they have seen hanging from buildings saying “Love Beats Hate” and similar empty Tweet worthy slogans. For the love of Pete, the people posting those things hopefully got good positive vibes from the courageous acts of framing pics and re-tweeting slogans

I was thankfully conscious enough of my own opinions about empathy as something craved by women and some others to cause me to file those moderately frustrating things away for future reference (Hypothetically in a post I thought I’d most likely never get around to writing anyway).

Then, daily life intersected with the big wide world by way of empathy.

Have you ever started or seen someone else start doing an obvious chore (like scrubbing a pan left in the sink,shifting laundry from wash to dry, feeding pets,unloading clean dishes, emptying a full trash can) and then once the task is started someone says, “you don’t need to do that, I was going to do it”?

There are all sorts of people that reside all up and down the spectrum between doer and procrastinator. Some do things that clearly need doing. Others eschew mundane tasks and are not bothered by undone chores. For some it depends the nature of the chore. But one thing I am certain of is that those who we’d call doers have experienced what I described. If the doer is old enough to have been in a stable family for any length of time they have experienced it from the same person or persons to the extent that it is expected. And if they are like me, it is mostly ignored.

I think of invitations I have had extended to me for events that the party inviting me knew I was unable to attend. They could be inviting me out of genuine hope that I may end up coming, or they may be getting credit for the invite without incurring the cost of my acceptance.

Of the two scenarios, the later is more likely to be innocently perpetrated. The former may be perpetrated unawares by rote, but it is not perpetrated innocently. Because “I was gonna do that” means the person saw the needed chore and chose to leave it undone at least once. More likely they did so multiple times as they passed through the area where the chore resided. Therefore “I was gonna do that” is a preemptive defense mechanism.

A teen in the home is capable of honestly having said intention and forgetting it multiple times within seconds of passing it by. This is not to excuse them, rather to say that at least in my experience they happily complete the work if reminded while standing beside it.

However the most responsible teen in the room will actively put off the chore, saying so openly, before later saying “I’d have done that”. Its as if they knew they would eventually get the chance to say that. All the better if others are within ear shot. Bonus for others being visitors from outside the home. All the credit for intent, none of the cost of effort.

The most responsible teen in the room is the one who convinces folks of her abundance of good intentions. That needn’t mean stuff really got done.

Empathy plugs the hole that is opened when someone doing a duty creates sympathy for the doer doing what the person deploying the acoidance language knows they should have done. It needn’t be a sympathetic act. No one need be hurt or hungry. Empathy can be manufactured by imagining the person doing the task is harried, the fact that she -was gonna do it- fills the  hole of imagining relieving the doer of the burden.  The burden can be real or not, made big or small. Empathy will fill the hole created by the burden.

Doing the chore will not reward her with empathetic feelings. Avoidance will. I’m not suggesting premeditation throughout where its orchestrated all day to get the bump of empathy in the evening when the doer does what needs done. It is rather a form of rationalizing that is done at the level of instinct.

Another scenario is that the one craving empathy perceives a task as completely  unnecessary. If they actually do the task they can take on martyrdom for doing what they see as a whimsical chore for someone else. Later, empathy is garnered by getting noticed as a martyr when among fellow travelers. Secondary things tend to get done while things of a more primary nature are avoided.

I do not consider these things petty.




A post made from a comment

Someone commented on an old post. As I read it and some other older ones I made the following comment. I want to make it a post as well if for no other reason but to remind me what I need to be saying…


Thank you for bumping this post. Because I have not taken care to categorize and make effective the 500 or so posts I have here I forget to really mine what I have already written..

When I look back to 2011/2012 I notice that, while never great, much of the writing was much better than ’14 and after. I will blame the fact that I got busier as my work responsibilities increased. Doesn’t matter really.

What does matter is that I was reminded that I was motivated to start a blog by the reactions I found to my posture on divorce whenever I entered what should have been a safe online place for discussing same. I did a lot of stuff back then and prior, in an activist sense. And while I find feminism, evangelical feminism, white knight-ism, red/blue pill stuff, all that, to be compelling, my drive was frivolous divorce and the damage to men and kids. My drive was anger at the women I encountered who either had rewritten Biblical truths, or were too invested to be bothered with any view that caused them discomfort and took away their pleasant empathy buzz.

I had a kind of niche with the empathy thing and I still believe in the sin consequence of empathy’s addictive siren call to women. I found that the examples I could use to illustrate my points are found too close to home, not just picking on my own wife, but other women in my life. There I can offer sports talk like play by play of conversations and micro-motives that seem to press women from side to side. I am desperate to get back to that as my schtick.

These blunt instruments, like the church not marrying folks in order to trim divorce rates, are powerful possibilities. I must guard against having a revenge type motive in any attempt I make to step back into the sweet spot that pushed me into what little effort I expended on this blog.

I am not a psychologist. Heck I’m an engineer, about as far from a psychologist as can be. But I have lots of experience that my years into middle age keep piling up. Anecdotes that buttress my thoughts on empathy and the driver it is for lots of what women do in marriage, especially Christian women who have even stronger needs to capitalize on empathy opportunities.

It is spreading to men very fast. The profile picture frames to show support for Orlando victims, the official ribbon, the piles of candles and stuffed bears, the parades, the American form of grief porn that we witness shows that a little whiff of empathy has the efficacy of a sex pheromone. Folks want their taste.

As to the post about the church stopping performing marriages, its now irrelevant just a few years hence. Things move too fast. How did we go a couple of years after the Supreme Court SSM decision with the T in LGBT being silent, then suddenly it is the consonant over which the accent is placed? This means the undercurrent is the surface current now and we are fighting being ripped away out to sea by tidal forces as opposed to being the tidal forces.

Both, or all three, or all dozen sides of these arguments are now parodies of discourse with attention spans being  140 character equivalents in length. “Lord help us!” will fit 10 times in a tweet.

Degraded senses, improved relationships

If your wife gets bigger, forms wrinkles, or just becomes unattractive,  its OK, because your vision gets worse as you age, if I am reading this title correctly. Some healthy eyed guys, however, require intervention.

Jimmy Evans is taking measures to fix your marriages guys.

For instance, taking men into a sandstorm in west Texas with no PPE can temporarily or permanently damage the eyes..

The auditory companion course is the one where you repeatedly fire a 50 caliber rifle without so much as a piece of lint in your ears for protection. If you are a reporter from NY a designated shooter is assigned so that you need only stand in proximity of the weapon being fired.

The two courses can be combined for significant savings. Firing a rifle in a sandstorm with neither eye nor ear protection is effective.

With husbands vision and hearing adequately diminished, studies show marital longevity improves by a statistically significant amount. The haste with which husbands seek these correctives correlate with the length of the benefit they yield.

The fail safe package, handed out after completion of both seminars, consists of two ice picks, one short and one longer. It includes instructions on how to either abruptly or incrementally decrease vision and/or hearing.