Rainbow Foto Frames and Unloading the Dishwasher

Since last weekend I have noticed friend after friend surrounding their Facebook profile pics with the rainbow flag themed solidarity frame. Others have posted photos of banners they have seen hanging from buildings saying “Love Beats Hate” and similar empty Tweet worthy slogans. For the love of Pete, the people posting those things hopefully got good positive vibes from the courageous acts of framing pics and re-tweeting slogans

I was thankfully conscious enough of my own opinions about empathy as something craved by women and some others to cause me to file those moderately frustrating things away for future reference (Hypothetically in a post I thought I’d most likely never get around to writing anyway).

Then, daily life intersected with the big wide world by way of empathy.

Have you ever started or seen someone else start doing an obvious chore (like scrubbing a pan left in the sink,shifting laundry from wash to dry, feeding pets,unloading clean dishes, emptying a full trash can) and then once the task is started someone says, “you don’t need to do that, I was going to do it”?

There are all sorts of people that reside all up and down the spectrum between doer and procrastinator. Some do things that clearly need doing. Others eschew mundane tasks and are not bothered by undone chores. For some it depends the nature of the chore. But one thing I am certain of is that those who we’d call doers have experienced what I described. If the doer is old enough to have been in a stable family for any length of time they have experienced it from the same person or persons to the extent that it is expected. And if they are like me, it is mostly ignored.

I think of invitations I have had extended to me for events that the party inviting me knew I was unable to attend. They could be inviting me out of genuine hope that I may end up coming, or they may be getting credit for the invite without incurring the cost of my acceptance.

Of the two scenarios, the later is more likely to be innocently perpetrated. The former may be perpetrated unawares by rote, but it is not perpetrated innocently. Because “I was gonna do that” means the person saw the needed chore and chose to leave it undone at least once. More likely they did so multiple times as they passed through the area where the chore resided. Therefore “I was gonna do that” is a preemptive defense mechanism.

A teen in the home is capable of honestly having said intention and forgetting it multiple times within seconds of passing it by. This is not to excuse them, rather to say that at least in my experience they happily complete the work if reminded while standing beside it.

However the most responsible teen in the room will actively put off the chore, saying so openly, before later saying “I’d have done that”. Its as if they knew they would eventually get the chance to say that. All the better if others are within ear shot. Bonus for others being visitors from outside the home. All the credit for intent, none of the cost of effort.

The most responsible teen in the room is the one who convinces folks of her abundance of good intentions. That needn’t mean stuff really got done.

Empathy plugs the hole that is opened when someone doing a duty creates sympathy for the doer doing what the person deploying the acoidance language knows they should have done. It needn’t be a sympathetic act. No one need be hurt or hungry. Empathy can be manufactured by imagining the person doing the task is harried, the fact that she -was gonna do it- fills the  hole of imagining relieving the doer of the burden.  The burden can be real or not, made big or small. Empathy will fill the hole created by the burden.

Doing the chore will not reward her with empathetic feelings. Avoidance will. I’m not suggesting premeditation throughout where its orchestrated all day to get the bump of empathy in the evening when the doer does what needs done. It is rather a form of rationalizing that is done at the level of instinct.

Another scenario is that the one craving empathy perceives a task as completely  unnecessary. If they actually do the task they can take on martyrdom for doing what they see as a whimsical chore for someone else. Later, empathy is garnered by getting noticed as a martyr when among fellow travelers. Secondary things tend to get done while things of a more primary nature are avoided.

I do not consider these things petty.





A post made from a comment

Someone commented on an old post. As I read it and some other older ones I made the following comment. I want to make it a post as well if for no other reason but to remind me what I need to be saying…


Thank you for bumping this post. Because I have not taken care to categorize and make effective the 500 or so posts I have here I forget to really mine what I have already written..

When I look back to 2011/2012 I notice that, while never great, much of the writing was much better than ’14 and after. I will blame the fact that I got busier as my work responsibilities increased. Doesn’t matter really.

What does matter is that I was reminded that I was motivated to start a blog by the reactions I found to my posture on divorce whenever I entered what should have been a safe online place for discussing same. I did a lot of stuff back then and prior, in an activist sense. And while I find feminism, evangelical feminism, white knight-ism, red/blue pill stuff, all that, to be compelling, my drive was frivolous divorce and the damage to men and kids. My drive was anger at the women I encountered who either had rewritten Biblical truths, or were too invested to be bothered with any view that caused them discomfort and took away their pleasant empathy buzz.

I had a kind of niche with the empathy thing and I still believe in the sin consequence of empathy’s addictive siren call to women. I found that the examples I could use to illustrate my points are found too close to home, not just picking on my own wife, but other women in my life. There I can offer sports talk like play by play of conversations and micro-motives that seem to press women from side to side. I am desperate to get back to that as my schtick.

These blunt instruments, like the church not marrying folks in order to trim divorce rates, are powerful possibilities. I must guard against having a revenge type motive in any attempt I make to step back into the sweet spot that pushed me into what little effort I expended on this blog.

I am not a psychologist. Heck I’m an engineer, about as far from a psychologist as can be. But I have lots of experience that my years into middle age keep piling up. Anecdotes that buttress my thoughts on empathy and the driver it is for lots of what women do in marriage, especially Christian women who have even stronger needs to capitalize on empathy opportunities.

It is spreading to men very fast. The profile picture frames to show support for Orlando victims, the official ribbon, the piles of candles and stuffed bears, the parades, the American form of grief porn that we witness shows that a little whiff of empathy has the efficacy of a sex pheromone. Folks want their taste.

As to the post about the church stopping performing marriages, its now irrelevant just a few years hence. Things move too fast. How did we go a couple of years after the Supreme Court SSM decision with the T in LGBT being silent, then suddenly it is the consonant over which the accent is placed? This means the undercurrent is the surface current now and we are fighting being ripped away out to sea by tidal forces as opposed to being the tidal forces.

Both, or all three, or all dozen sides of these arguments are now parodies of discourse with attention spans being  140 character equivalents in length. “Lord help us!” will fit 10 times in a tweet.

Degraded senses, improved relationships

If your wife gets bigger, forms wrinkles, or just becomes unattractive,  its OK, because your vision gets worse as you age, if I am reading this title correctly. Some healthy eyed guys, however, require intervention.

Jimmy Evans is taking measures to fix your marriages guys.

For instance, taking men into a sandstorm in west Texas with no PPE can temporarily or permanently damage the eyes..

The auditory companion course is the one where you repeatedly fire a 50 caliber rifle without so much as a piece of lint in your ears for protection. If you are a reporter from NY a designated shooter is assigned so that you need only stand in proximity of the weapon being fired.

The two courses can be combined for significant savings. Firing a rifle in a sandstorm with neither eye nor ear protection is effective.

With husbands vision and hearing adequately diminished, studies show marital longevity improves by a statistically significant amount. The haste with which husbands seek these correctives correlate with the length of the benefit they yield.

The fail safe package, handed out after completion of both seminars, consists of two ice picks, one short and one longer. It includes instructions on how to either abruptly or incrementally decrease vision and/or hearing.


Who said that?

Who said these things? Sounds like Naghmeh Abedini.

there were a lot of red flags that she didn’t see


“I was a strong, independent woman and I allowed [Josh] to be [emotionally abusive]. Now, I know I don’t want someone jealous or controlling. I know what won’t make me happy in [the future].”


Cognitive Dissonance, Satisficing, Altruism, and Empathy

Cognitive dissonance is a term often used in discussion around these parts. The famous Hamster is expert at assuaging the discomfort that results from discovering that real facts do not align with beliefs (feelings) about what ought to be.

One of the ways dissonance is relieved is a form of something called satisficing. Satisficing is accepting something because it is satisfactory. It may not be optimal, or in the case of the Hamster it may not even be true.  But for a woman seeking dissonance relief a feeling of goodness or virtuousness can serve as external motive enough to work around the dissonance even if not directly addressing it.

Indeed because the Hamster is party to the empathy quest women are on, a flood of empathetic feelings is not only more than enough to bend reality, it is also quite a Pavlovian reward mechanism. This gives rise to women actually seeking out opinions to express about social issues, the dissonance of which can only be relieved by more cow bell empathy.

Empathy for its own sake is a rare gem. Well, no, it is more like unobtainium. It doesn’t exist. It is not possible to feel what another feels or to know so well how the other feels that it is just like feeling it with them.

Altuism has an agape aspect to it in that it is to do something that benefits another with zero benefit to the doer. In other words there is no intrinsic nor external motive. here again, however, the Hamster likes these little altruism pellets because they are easy to work with. The reality can be hidden in the hamsters cheeks. What outwardly looks like altruism, or agape, is actually the satisfaction of empathy craving.

I wrote about a Yale professor acknowledging the empathogasm. He talks about some archetypes of empathy chasers. He mentions those who give little bits of money to many charities or at least keeps every charity solicitation that comes in the mail laying around the house as a sign of intention to give. Or those who speed-volunteer, bouncing from one volunteerism to the next making excuses to abandon those not yielding the rich fruit of empathy to quickly bask in the one where ultimately they receive a kind note or a hug or words of affirmation from a person being helped.

Empathy ruins all of that for women to the extent that I confess to having to hold my mind back from trying to figure out if those like Mother Theresa were for real. It calls to question the entire nature of the churches benevolence in outreach. At the very least it invites deep spiritual scrutiny to bear on individuals who claim to be called to some form of altruism.


Happy +/-50% of Mother’s Day

54% of adults believe motherhood to be a woman’s most important role, according to the most recent Rasmussen Reports national telephone survey around Mother’s Day.

60% of women and 49% of men comprise the aforementioned.54%.

Further sorting by age and gender into respondents over and under 40 it gets more interesting. Men over 40 were less likely (47%) than men under 40 (55%) to see motherhood as a woman’s most important role. However the reverse was true of women. 61% of those over 40 said motherhood was a woman’s most important role while 55% of those under 40 shared that view .

The other interesting finding was the split by income bracket. Those in the lowest bracket (<$30k) and those in the highest bracket (>$200k) held the highest esteem for a woman’s role as mother, respectively 62% and 55%. The other three income brackets in between were lower, with the lowest being the bracket $100k-$200k at 48%.

There is plenty to mine from the juxtaposition of similar surveys about fatherhood but that channel is already cut deeply in the minds of people who read men’s blogs.

More interesting is how difficult it is to accept the fact that women value a woman’s role as mother more than  men value a woman’s role as mother.

I have a theory as to why. Its simple, and it is the reason I do not usually react to survey results. Women are inclined to respond in the manner that would reflect how they want to be perceived by others, regardless if they walk out the value choice they reflect in the response. And men, being Lift chasers even if only as a mental exercise, respond in the manner in which they believe the majority of women they know would approve. The wife’s opinion gets extra weight. She might ask how he responded.

The men’s age split fits my anecdotal observation that the boomers and close following generation are male feminists, or at least scared into responding as such, while there is at least more of  a nod to traditionalism in those under 40.

The women’s age split stays with the notion that women respond in ways that they wish to be perceived by peers. The 61% of women over 40 were favorable to motherhood means they want to be viewed as a proponent of motherhood by peers who want the same. The under 40 group has a peer set less likely to want to be perceived as putting motherhood as a top priority. a 5% difference shows a demographic in transition whereby the women would probably like to have devalued motherhood but still do not feel safe in letting it all hang out.


Woman’s vs Man’s Perspective

I got an email link to this page. The subject is tackling spring home improvement projects.

No surprise, here are some of the visual aids:


The woman’s perspective




The man’s perspective




If the fence behind the woman was white and her dress all white, if there was white snow and white steam coming from the cup as she gripped it with both hands….well then, that would be an advert.

Scholarly recognition of the empathogasm

Here (for expedience, start at 50 seconds and watch for half a minute) you can watch an animated video where Yale Professor (and psychologist) Paul Bloom recognizes the phenomenon that I call the empathogasm. What I call empathogasm he describes as “a little rush”. Those who chase the rush he refers to as warm glow altruists. I like it. Wish I’d have thought of it.

What he has done is speak to the amalgam of The Lift and The Empathogasm, with the caveat that his rush is not necessarily tied to a specific gender. As you know if you’ve read more than a couple of posts here, I ascribe empathogasms only to women.

I think we are both right. Men may, as he claims sans gender reference,  get little rushes when they make small donations to many charities…”I’m helping the blind babies, now I’m helping the down trodden worker”…so forth. These little rushes pale in comparison to the Lift the man gets when he wears these donations on the sleeves he puts on around women, both intimates and strangers, both IRL and on social media.

This leaves the matter essentially as I had it.

Women, motivated by a desire to believe themselves to possess empathetic super powers, will bend space, time, and all reality to the singularity of achieving the ultimate empathetic experience. The empathogasm.

Men, motivated by sex drive and misguided by residual blue pill not yet metabolized and excreted, will surround themselves with declarations of their own altruism, so much so that principle goes out the window (see Dalrock’s posts here and here) as they seek to achieve the good-not-great placebo for long term falling short of  orgasm….The Lift …in the hopes that the Lifts and Lift givers become like references on a resume. Maybe some woman will see how all these Lift giving women love him, and maybe it’ll help him get an actual orgasm. At a minimum he believes he has grown his opportunities.



C’mon Trump, Itz gurlz hooz dooz it

When Donald Trump says a woman who gets an abortion should face some kind of punishment he is forced to walk the comment back. He walks it back by making the line in the sand become the punishment of the person performing the abortion.

Set Trump aside…please…my post has nothing to do with being for or against Trump. It has to do with the ninnies yammering about how we could never punish a woman for breaking the law in that way. Ostensibly pro-life so called conservatives who stridently claim to champion the life of the unborn show that they simply are not serious when they then rush to be clear that it doesn’t mean there is any punishment due a woman who chooses to abort her baby. It is mean old doctors who kill babies. But there is no complicity possible in this crime. Even the person who literally carries the victim into the special place where the killer will ply his trade is not culpable by being complicit.  .

Since there were no stipulations made its a fair point to question who gets prosecuted in a morning after pill scenario. Its OK to abort at a day old. Anyone give me two days? Best fit here is some line about how we’ve established what she is and are now haggling the price.

If a man or woman doctor shops for opiate pain medication and the patient is caught, the patient is prosecuted and the doctors involved can be prosecuted or professionally reprimanded. Doctor shopping for pain meds is a crime that patients commit and for which they are prosecuted.

Doctor shopping for a doctor willing to abort a child, then aborting the child,  well not so much. Cuz itz gurlz hooz dooz it.