I missed this comment when it was made. Linked for the context and reproduced below, Ive made bold the part that I want to unpack.
The way I deal with it is that I don’t deal with it. I’m not recommending this because it doesn’t have an altruistic motive unless you count marital stasis and outward peace in the home as a good goal.
I once , not more than a couple of years ago, spoke calmly and at length with her about this. I did so relentlessly returning to the topic which was showing her that this behavior, the one that I agree she mainly has no idea she is doing, results in countless lies being told daily.
Most women have a sanctimonious honesty policy. From dating profiles to marriage testimonies to divorce screeds, “One thing I will not tolerate is a lie”, they will say. I used that to pierce the veil and found that once she agreed that when she says X she means Y and that that is a lie, it fell to a combination of her being honest (with herself….I already knew) and a series of rationalizations that filed it away using another trick.
When they mess up, or when they are shown an unflattering image of themselves instructively, wives do not file that away as a lesson learned. They file it some other way, often so different from reality that they can extract that memory years later and have the audacity to use it to debate a similar matter but use the filed thing as righteous defense.
Therefore, ignoring it may not be what I am called to do in the mainstream. But they should be careful. Because when they challenge Caspar or me or any man who understands what is occurring we can say with authority, “Dude, I know her heart…knowing her heart is not what you REALLY are suggesting”.
Ignoring* it is to not cater or pander to it. It is to serve her and the family in their true best interests and to depend far more on input that is not hers when making a measure of himself, though he will find that her opinion of him increases. I believe the step where her deception is laid out for her is essential and must be handled with prayer and mustered confidence and will. Lacking her finding, if but for a moment, no rhetorical rope ladder to avoid copping to the dishonesty all you will have is another argument where you are impeached with your yes and your no.
*Some would call this just simple passive aggressive behavior on her part. And oh, it is, but it is so much more than that. Its unfair to passive aggressive people to call this behavior passive aggressive. Ignoring could be construed as borrowing from game. It isn’t. Its not literally ignoring her, dread, not communicating at all, whatever. Its moving along as if she isn’t saying the hidden things because those things are not profitable for her, for the husband, or for the family. This makes it tough for the accusation to be leveled that the man is missing his called-to-titudes.