Obsessed about Sex?

Over on the Dying Dogs Porn thread jake907 asks:

I do have a couple of questions though, can you draw a line between being obsessive about sex, and just having a good strong sex drive?
And also, what are some guidelines for dealing with “dry spells”, whether that be an unwilling wife, sickness, pregnancy, or even just a difference in your sex drive versus your wife’s?

Personally, I think that porn bends us up. Look at the YBOP site and they talk about “tastes” developing, whatever weird crap got us hot and bothered via pixels is a distortion I think. So getting off that stuff is going to be a key to getting back to a baseline (our baseline). After that it’s going to come down to how badly we want it and where we prioritize it in relation to our wife. Pregnant I can work with, sick I can work around and “unwilling” is something we need to deal with. I’m not Roman Catholic so I don’t have any problems with letting my wife “help me out”, she needs to see how much drive I have and this is a very direct way of communicating my need.

If our wives are unwilling, or like “Pastor Ed’s” wife, we need to do a better job of communicating our expectations of them, realizing that yes we have a relationship and a responsibility for them to Christ. “No”, isn’t a long term option although it may be necessary to go through some challenging dry spells. I’m not talking about force, I’m talking about Godly moral suasion. We really need to be brave enough to broach the subject and “beard” the hyena. Scripture verses are good.

Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
(1Co 7:2-5)

And a strong masculine (non-begging) frame. Don’t beg for something that God has given you from the person who covenanted to give it to you freely. That’s just weak. Talk/persuade don’t argue/beg. Just being determined to vocalize it and address it in the clear can have a strangely beneficial affect on our wives.

Not to get to graphic, testosterone makes everyone feel better. If as in the last post our wives get to be the nurse, guess who get’s to be the pharmacist. You can check out other health effects here. Also, I see porn as the problem, not thinking about my wife or having a “friendly” phone call should I find myself or her out of town.

All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any. Meats for the belly, and the belly for meats: but God shall destroy both it and them. Now the body is not for fornication, but for the Lord; and the Lord for the body.
(1Co 6:12-13)

God bless you in that.


16 thoughts on “Obsessed about Sex?

  1. Personally, I think that porn bends us up

    Filed in the grey zone between the obvious and entendre.

    The anti-arousal by wife crowd would say that the base line is no good either, that being aroused by the wife is no good. Some Christian women love to berate any man who says he lusts after his wife, Even some red pill guys will equivocate on this, splitting hairs to nano fibers. Thats how bad the church has harmed men’s view of men’s sex drive.

  2. Some Christian women love to berate any man who says he lusts after his wife.
    ^ This is true.

    I’ll like to add that some wives don’t give there husbands a chance. Some women as saying no to sex is their way of getting what they want; in short manipulation. Some use it as a bargaining chip or simply playing a dangerous game of restricting sex only when they get what want. As for the porn, it’s good to let it go. However there are some women that encourages it so they don’t have to have sex with their husbands.

  3. “Some women as saying no to sex is their way of getting what they want; in short manipulation. Some use it as a bargaining chip or simply playing a dangerous game of restricting sex only when they get what want.”

    Some men only beat their wives when they “need” it too. The behavior you describe is clearly defined by the Bible as fraud and it is wrong. I for one am not operating my marriage from the gospel of Oprah, that is not acceptable. If the wife wants to trade it’s better to see what we are dealing with clearly (a carefully nuanced whore) who has already reneged. She can’t trade with what she has already freely given and maintain the high ground unless we let her. Why would we make that trade? Better to move to the couch and start clearly going our own way than perform like a trained seal. Begging and porn just wreck your frame.

    Also, I was thinking about the difference in sex drive last night. My wife doesn’t need to be completely excited or even a little excited to help me out, sure it’s nice but it isn’t a requirement. I think this is another trap that feminism has foisted on us. The idea that I have to work in the kitchen all day to get her in the mood? The idea that I have to romance her to get what I need? More bargaining and begging and weakness. Express the need with the expectation that she will do what she agreed to when you put a ring on it, or realize and communicate that she is failing in her responsibility and it is unacceptable.

  4. @empath

    “Filed in the grey zone between the obvious and entendre.”

    Yeah, I know. That’s precisely where I wanted it. I want to be as clear as I can be without coding to deeply. I’ve found giving advise that being obvious isn’t always a bad strategy. What we take for granted can often be a revelation.

  5. “Better to move to the couch and start clearly going our own way than perform like a trained seal.”

    Yea I know some men finding other things to do besides having sex with their wives. One told me that he is completely not interested in having sex with her since she says no too much. And than she started to complain because he wouldn’t do it anymore.

  6. The male chastity belt could eliminate the need for the cyber chastity belt. That is the language on dating site profiles that consist of a list of negatives

    If you’re lookin to hook up, move on
    Just friends then see what happens
    My kids are the most important thing, can you handle that?

    Just mention the male chastity belt when you send a hello to these gals and chances are better than average you’ll be leavin the carpet pile flattened on the first date.

  7. Empath:
    But let’s look at the case with unmarried men and porn. The ‘Yourbrainonporn’ thesis claims that porn is causing men to have inabilities to relate to real women. I would say instead, that inability to relate to women is causing porn use.

    According to the census, not one US state has a surplus of single females. Add into the mix that 1/3 of them are FAT, 1/4 addicted to drugs, and the majority repulsive sluts who can’t keep away from thugs and abortion mills; add into that laws like VAWA and IMBRA and draconian AOC laws; add to that the repressive sexual atmosphere men already endure for showing any heterosexual tendencies at all—-is it any wonder men are turning to porn, virtual sex, sexbots, and even homosexuality?

    If women don’t like men using porn, they should offer us something better.

  8. @GIL
    Thanks for further explaining, you helped me to see the bigger picture for sure. But I am left with net another question (I know I know my dad always told me that a fool can ask more questions than a wise man can answer), how can one come back to a baseline that was never established in the first place, I have been into porn and such since I was 13?

  9. @Eric, You shouldn’t watch porn because it is bad for you. Women don’t really have anything to do with that equation. I wrote Dying Dogs to highlight why we should be motivated as followers of Christ to turn away from it. You are rewiring your brain, you are messing with God’s temple, you aren’t solving anything. Turning porn into women’s problem makes us sound like junkies fishing for an excuse. If secular men can kick this habit for personal health and psychological benefits what is holding believers up?

    @jake907, Don’t worry about it, you’ll settle to a baseline. Will it be the baseline you would have had apart from porn? Who knows? What difference does it make? If you have a massive drive I wouldn’t be ashamed of it nor would I chalk it up to porn use. Getting rid of the porn will help you settle this out as you quit dumping dopamine into your brain with synthetic sex.

  10. I’m going to come down between the poles. To do so I cite that reasons are not excuses, and that so often the church wants to eliminate any nod to reasons by calling them excuses. I don’t know how Eric meant his post, reason or excuse, but if it is reason, its a complete disconnect to respond , respectfully GIL, as you did because the absolutely do have something to do with it. The place you end up then is the same place that says serve more and she will submit or any other thing where women are left unaccountable. The fact is that women can be accountable WHILE men are accountable to our choices. I believe strongly that that simple acknowledgement is a more hopeful response to men than the standard cut and dry line.

    We are junkies in the sexual sense, the craving, the voices, whatever term you choose happens to be a God given drive in this case. The pathway has been laid out for addressing this, and it certainly is not porn. 75% of the population or more are effectively blocking the sanctified pathway by all the means we complain about here, that is men and women not just women because of not holding women to account.

    I get the points about men, buck stopping with men, etc. You GIL laid it out nicely about a married couple and how she is defrauding. But there is a lot more going on with porn. Contrary to popular myth that all porn women are drugged and imprisoned, Contrary, women are willfully providing the material. And men who want to have a wife and have sex, normally are all but criminalized.

  11. Empath:
    Thanks—that’s close to what I would have said. But add a couple of points: Yourbrainonporn argues from a premise that men are surrounded by unhealthy sexual stimulation continually and lose an ability to ground themselves in realistic sexual situations. Aside from the fact that such an argument is dangerously close to the feminist argument that ‘men think with their dicks’ and ‘have unrealistic standards’, it’s also patently false.

    Psychologist Viktor Frankl had a maxim ‘an abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behavior.’ We men don’t live in a normal social milieu. Compare today to the 1950s: certainly porn was used back then, but it was looked down upon as being used either by adolescent boys out of curiosity or loser males whom women didn’t respect. IOW, it was seen as the domain of the immature and social failures. But men then didn’t have LESS sexual stimuli—they had MORE of it. Any real man then had at least a social network of single girls with whom he was acquainted, and a realistic chance of future marriage. Today that is NOT the case. The real men are largely INCEL or divorced; the losers have harems of available and willing females and breed kids like rabbits with them.

    It comes down to simple mathematics: the more available women a man has, the less his interest in artificial sex he has. The same is true for married men; a man in a monogamous relationship whose wife keeps him sexually satisfied has no need to look elsewhere.

  12. @Empath/Eric

    If I seemed harsh I didn’t mean to be:

    “If women don’t like men using porn, they should offer us something better.”

    Was what I cued on specifically. I didn’t address women’s arguments or perspectives against porn as I wanted to stay out of that tar baby. When I see somebody pulling that argumentation around behind them I suspect the are still in a paradigm that allows them to nurse a grievance. If I never have sex again in my entire life, porn is still bad for me. If my wife dies and I never remarry, porn is still bad for me. Going back to what women want or don’t want concerning porn seems like a waste of our agency and what it does to men. What women want is moot. I have nothing but sympathy for men struggling with wives who don’t understand their Biblical responsibility and/or are holding their husbands at a threatpoint. So often porn is used by these women to club their husbands over the head and discredit them so they can keep on in the gospel of Oprah. Again, I didn’t mean to be harsh.

  13. @Eric, I think that there is definitely something going on with unlimited access to online streaming porn. Look at the porn induced ED studies and see that something has changed. I think their points concerning the brain not distinguishing between pixel women and one real woman and the Coolidge effect are valid. When we have unlimited access to an infinite variety we can overload our reward centers and fry our brains which we clearly wouldn’t see with a modest stack of Playboy mags or sex with one woman. It’s the brain chemistry I’m concerned with, not the sociology.

  14. Really, if you want to nail me down it is this: modern porn resists moderation. We aren’t talking about a couple of magazines in the sock drawer here. What guys can see in one day now dwarfs the lifetime mega-collection in the day’s of our grandfathers. That is what is changing our brain chemistry. Before if we lost interest in our favorite mags we would taper off, now we just click and never have to look at the same image twice and just keep clicking until we fry our dopamine receptors.

  15. Pingback: What’s “love” got to do with doing it? | Loving in the Ruins

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