Bo Sellers on AFBB and the pathology of false empathy

Fox News magazine (linked on their main page) usually has a few pieces of relationship tripe posted. Yesterday I read “5 lies women tell their friends about their partners” by Bo Sellers. I had to know what a woman would put on that list.

I was surprised by two of them.

Number 4 was unwittingly about what I call the empathogasm. As a refresher:

When two women begin to make conversation for the first time, the feelers go out seeking common emotional ground. They test various areas, the neighborhood, the school, their families, whatever, until they sense they are pointed generally in the same emotional direction. Sometimes that is never achieved. When that happens it is less likely those two women are going to seek each other out for future conversations.

But when they do find themselves in the same general emotional quadrant, that means the foreplay is over and the emotional rutting can begin. The empathogasm is the moment when they find the sweet spot and both can say “I know exactly how you feel”

Bo Sellers is now telling me that, like the real thing from which my metaphor is drawn, even the empathogasm is often faked. I should have considered that. But better to correct the theory later than never.

4. “I know exactly how you feel.” Um. No. You don’t. Perhaps your friend has dealt with a similar circumstance, but the only way for her to know how you feel is to be you. Everyone’s feelings are unique to themselves. She might have some good advice, but in my experience “I know exactly how you feel” is more of a redirect to make conversation about herself than to input any life-altering suggestions. Proceed with caution.

There is more to this than just the faked empathogasm and the necessary change in my analysis. She astutely observes that the empathogasm is faked by a woman in order to get the attention back on herself. Brilliant simplicity. So, the empathogasm is also a way to emotionally rape someone else without them even knowing it. They may even lay back and enjoy it, so to speak. The two women may both be doing the equivalent of self pleasuring, using each other as emotional props. Really good stuff…

The other, number 1, is broad. It nods to hypergamy,and  it shatters the myth of women being so virtuous as to not see sex as a coequal part of a relationship. It speaks to the phenomenon we call AFBB (alpha f%$ks beta bucks).

1. “Stability is more important than sex.” I can’t imagine a dude ever saying this to a buddy, but for some reason, us women don’t place our sexual needs as high-priority in relationships. Egyptian cotton may keep you warm at night, but I’d rather feel the heat of my partner because they can’t keep their hands off of me.

Who are the women saying that stability is more important than sex? Most likely its those women that Mark Driscoll is trying so hard to get the men of his church to marry. Its the 30 something, past her SMV prime, high N count woman who has had Deti’s McBadboy drummer, well, lots of drummers, maybe some artists and toss in a mechanic who –works on his own bikes-, like that, and now she is rationalizing to her friends how she has settled for Joe Cubicle who is a great provider and a good daddy, and did you know he leads the family spiritually. He even wears the robes and does the whole bible character cut out figure thing with the kids.

The early 20’s Christian gals? They say it too. They insist that stability, a kind manner, good with kids, a nice guy, those sorts of things, they insist that is where their hearts desire is to be found. They can say it. Because they are getting rogered by an assortment of alphas regularly. They are simply explaining that once they finish this season, the next season has a nice guy in it somewhere. And some kids. And a picket fence. And MOPS. And PTA. And an SUV. Stability.

Oops, drummerboy just texted. Gotta head over to his place. LOL.

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4 thoughts on “Bo Sellers on AFBB and the pathology of false empathy

  1. Whoa. And here I was thinking I was gonna get a comedic fix from you.

    I can’t really deny the truth of your post, though. I don’t really chat it up with a lot of women, as I noted in a couple of recent posts. When I do I tend to listen more than chat because complaining just isn’t my thing. Even when The Husband has really made me angry, I’m usually not gonna share it.

    But this part here left me wondering:

    The early 20′s Christian gals? They say it too. They insist that stability, a kind manner, good with kids, a nice guy, those sorts of things, they insist that is where their hearts desire is to be found. They can say it. Because they are getting rogered by an assortment of alphas regularly. They are simply explaining that once they finish this season, the next season has a nice guy in it somewhere. And some kids. And a picket fence. And MOPS. And PTA. And an SUV. Stability.

    I’ve never really heard this one, Empath. Not even when I was in my 20’s. Even 20-something Christian women who are trying to do things right are pretty adamant about attraction being more important that stability. Unless their parents are within earshot, LOL.

  2. I guess that’s what I meant Elspeth, the thing about if parents are in ear shot….or even church girls outside their close circle. They want to give the appearance of stability being more important than sex.

    One other thing is its a slight difference but important. The operative word was sex….not attraction or the desire for sex. Im thing of that literally. The sex, the hotness of the sex….etc. These are inextricably linked, yet can be looked at a little differently because” attraction” can be much broader than “sex”

    Im thinking about my relative who Ive written about recently. The one who went with stability, overt ministry and service, the image of text book Christian virginal marriage, and found out that, well, attraction for the studly soldier WAS more important. She was spouting the stability line, using it for sanctimony even, then bam, reality hit her where it hurt

  3. Oh, okay. I get it now. Which is why I (as irreligious as this sounds), I don’t think a woman should marry a man that she doesn’t really have it bad for. As in really want to have sex with. It’s sad and probably ungodly but until the church holds its members to the Word and accountable for the astronomical rates of frivolous divorce, we’re left with chemistry. How sad is that?

    The problem with this of course, is that most women’s expectations and standards are crazy unrealistic. Couple that with the experiences they bring to the table, and we’ll get a continuation of what we’re getting.

    As to the empathogasms that women engage in, I watched in stunned amazement as women- Christian women!- circled the wagons in support of an adulteress. Supposedly they did it because her husband’s lack of godliness as a husband made her indiscretions somewhat justifiable.

    At the end of that, I figured most of them were adulteresses too, or would be as soon as the opportunity presented. How else could they relate to her?

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