Eleven R(r)ainy day rules for men

Rainy.Ii could just leave that here and be done.

He has cooked up what he calls 11 Rules on Marriage You Won’t Learn in School. I had already been notified (and again, notified) that the Rainy’s have a new book coming out called Preparing for Marriage, Devotions for Couples. Its a set of devotionals for men and women who are about to marry. For reasons inexplicable, I was thinking that they must have written the book with admonishment of men and encouragement of women in mind. Not sure why I thought that.

Delivered into my hands was proof that my mysterious suspicions were well founded. The article about 11 rules is excerpted from the book. Rainy writes in the article that we should pass these rules along to friends. So, lets have a look.

Rule 1: Marriage isn’t about your happiness.  It’s not about you getting all your needs met through another person.  Practicing self-denial and self-sacrifice, patience, understanding, and forgiveness are the fundamentals of a great marriage.  If you want to be the center of the universe, then there’s a much better chance of that happening if you stay single.

Rule 2: Getting married gives a man a chance to step up and finish growing up.  The best preparation for marriage for a single man is to man up now and keep on becoming the man God created him to be.

Rule 3: It’s okay to have one rookie season, but it’s not okay to repeat your rookie season.  You will make rookie mistakes in your first year of marriage; the key is that you don’t continue making those same mistakes in year five, year 10, or year 20 of your marriage.

Rule 4: It takes a real man to be satisfied with and love one woman for a lifetime.  And it takes a real woman to be content with and respect one man for a lifetime.

Rule 5: Love isn’t a feeling.  Love is commitment.  It’s time to replace the “D-word”—divorce—with the “C-word”—commitment.  Divorce may feel like a happy solution, but it results in long-term toxic baggage.  You can’t begin a marriage without commitment.  You can’t sustain one without it either.  A marriage that goes the distance is really hard work.  If you want something that is easy and has immediate gratification, then go shopping or play a video game.

Rule 6: Online relationships with old high school or college flames, emotional affairs, sexual affairs, and cohabiting are shallow and illegitimate substitutes for the real thing.  Emotional and sexual fidelity in marriage are the real thing.

Rule 7: Women spell romance R-E-L-A-T-I-O-N-S-H-I-P.  Men spell romance S-E-X.  If you want to speak romance to your spouse, become a student of your spouse, enroll in a lifelong “Romantic Language School,” and become fluent in your spouse’s language.

Rule 8: During courtship, opposites attract.  After marriage, opposites can repel each another.  You married your spouse because he/she is different.  Differences are God’s gift to you to create new capacities in your life.  Different isn’t wrong, it’s just different.

Rule 9: Pornography robs men of a real relationship with a real person and it poisons real masculinity, replacing it with the toxic killers of shame, deceit, and isolation.  Pornography siphons off a man’s drive for intimacy with his wife.  Marriage is not for wimps.  Accept no substitutes.

Rule 10: As a home is built, it will reflect the builder.  Most couples fail to consult the Master Architect and His blueprints for building a home.  Instead a man and woman marry with two sets of blueprints (his and hers). As they begin building, they discover that a home can’t be built from two very different sets of blueprints.

Rule 11: How you will be remembered has less to do with how much money you make or how much you accomplish and more with how you have loved and lived.

(emphasis mine)

Men are mentioned, specifically, in three of the eleven. Four more are clearly pointed towards men. Even if not, that’s how evangelical communication code works. More astonishing is the ubiquitous omission (I know that term bombs but it fits here) of women in rules that are precisely applicable to them. For example, regarding the primacy of happiness, would it have been out of line to take that opportunity to drop the word “woman” in there? How about the one that says love is not a feeling but a commitment? If he was intellectually honest would he not have at least intimated that it is women jettisoning most marriages over feelings? Rainy had no reluctance to point the pornography arrow straight at men based on what most would agree is, statistically, a male problem (increasing female porn use notwithstanding).

Is it tough to imagine, therefore, that this devotional is a kind of porn for women who are about to marry? They don’t have to learn their wiles on the job. They can get equipped with some great attack lines before they even walk the aisle!

This may be a sign that Rainy has seen some feedback from married Christian men stating that we are fed up with his drum beat of misandry. So, rather than address the problem, he finds a new “target audience”.

Finally, I have to marvel at their ability to repackage the same handful of ideas over and over and grow a huge ministry as a result. That is a line of inquiry that reflects poorly on the evangelical masses and their lack of deep thinking.


16 thoughts on “Eleven R(r)ainy day rules for men

  1. As you pointed out, most all of this stuff is directed at men. Women are not afforded advice and furthermore women are afforded issues to use against men in the future. There was no mention of biblical gender roles either such as obey and lead.

    The reason for this repeated aiming at men must be due to the fact that women/wives lead/control the family and the choice of church. Hence, most all the churches apply this same technique of BLAMING MEN.

  2. Finally, I have to marvel at their ability to repackage the same handful of ideas over and over and grow a huge ministry as a result. That is a line of inquiry that reflects poorly on the evangelical masses and their lack of deep thinking.

    I completely agree with that. The entire post, but that especially.

    This was not devotion for couples. It was “encouragement” for women and admonishment for men.

  3. Elspeth.

    If I’d ever get around to organizing my site I could find stuff, but somewhere on here is something about cliche-izing the faith. That’s what these over simplified things do. Its not just in church, its in corporate America too, where industries of consultants are birthed to tell people change is inevitable so embrace it.

    Here are some examples

    This past Tuesday I was in Berlin and had the opportunity to see Bill Clinton speak. I didn’t vote for him (but would gladly remarry him to rid the present President) but I never failed to see him and very intelligent and able to speak in any format, extemporaneous, impromptu, telepromted, or using an outline on paper. So me and 2 coworkers signed up, it was part of the convention package that brought me to Berlin. Anyway….

    Small venue, a hotel ballroom, so maybe 500 folks, I think less. Great proximity to stage, about 30% of the crowd was American, the rest from all over the world. Clinton walks in, I was pretty excited because back in April I saw GWB speak at a similar event in TX and for that hour I was able to imagine better days, I expected Clinton to evoke that feeling. All this to say, he gets up there and says something about the theme of the convention was leadership (in my specific industry, not in general), he looked worn out, he was a bit feeble….a cold, jet lag, no preparation, no idea really. He goes full cliche. “To lead we you must know where you are, know where you are going, and know how to execute getting there”. Something was loosening in my lower abdomen. He spke 45 minutes of the most generic repackaged banal sophomoric stuff. I was embarrassed for him. The difference between a group of petrochemical managers and executives and operatives and evangelicals is that, in this crowd, many people nodded off, several left., and all roundly criticized it. he is beloved in Europe, but he flopped, and leaned on cliche.

    The Rainys unashamedly recycle the same, Id say less than 20 ideas about marriage and parenting. This is one key to churchianism. The preacher states worn out concepts but acts as if he is being bold and courageous plowing new ground. The sheep see the preacher seems bold and courageous and they feel a little bit cool that THEIR church has a guy with guts and moxie. Then they will repeat the crap with the same conspiratorial enthusiasm.

    In personal self help, in business self help, and now in evangelical American sort of life and relationship coaching, I would allow that there may be 3 versions of each with enough difference to count as different. What I mean is, for example, there have been 3 unique self help books/concepts written…..while there are millions of tomes and seminars, they are all versions of the three. Same with business, same with evangelical “real-life” advice. Ive been receiving Rainy’s email daily blast for a few years. Id say thats about 1000 emails in 3 years. They are all rewrites of mabe 25 narrow concepts (they are brief).

    We are, due to this fascination with the painfully obvious, an ungovernable populace, a morally un-restrainable church, and a chronically inefficient steward of resouces though our private sector businesses despite being better than the rest of the developed world in terms of hold bureaucracy at bay.

    Wow, I sent myself on a rant…..

  4. Wannabe fiction writers are told that there are only seven plots, and that every plot ever written is some variation or melange of these seven. My son at ten years old gave up reading Hardy Boys because he could see through the same pattern over and over, and I even quit watching slasher movies in high school because they were so predictable (“You stay here while I go investigate!”). We are discerning people when we want to be.

    Yet I identify with the astonishing loss/lack of discernment characterizing evangelicalism that fuels your blog.

  5. I sat in the pews and swallowed blue pill wisdom with relish from the pulpits and marriage seminars for decades without question. When I say it fuels your blog, I mean in the sense that it provides you with material.

  6. Before I was 20 & before I got married, I parachuted into a foreign and hostile land and sent men to take the long dirt nap. Pretty sure I was fully mature before I got married. I really hate that marriage will mature you bull$hit. Mostly it will grind a man down and poison his soul.

  7. I got it that this “stuff” informs the blog. It seemed as if you were saying you were still a part of it big time, the blue pill churchian school I mean

  8. I’m convinced of red-pillness; it’s dragging my peeps out of the burning building that’s the difficulty, or pouring the new wine into the old wineskins. Ton is right — the blue pill is poison, and it’s a difficult detox.

  9. That’s why I love this blog, my friend; you point out obvious and egregious teachings from the sources we’ve received without question, and you walk through the analysis: “Do you see what he did there, did you see the bait & switch?” etc.

  10. @Caspar

    That’s why I love this blog, my friend; you point out obvious and egregious teachings from the sources we’ve received without question

    He’s tireless, isn’t he? Great stuff.

  11. Thank you. Very kind. I like to dissect female communication, whether done by men or women. As much as it is a big flowing mess of feelings and no care about tying anything together, I think I have found patterns in there.
    i often say, if women (and some men) were doing these things conversationally on purpose it would be pretty impressive. Ah, but they are not. A few have figured out how to make (in their minds and hearts, because tha’ts all that matters to them) self satisfactory arguments that, even though fallacious and wrong headed, somehow wall off the dissent of most Christians out there who do not listen deeply. The men and women on all these blogs listen deeply. I try and point out these things for the random ones who pop in.
    If I can save just one…..like that.

  12. “If I can save just one….like that.”

    You Christian mansophere bloggers have helped many. I correctly presume that there are many, many like me out there who have had zero others to talk with about this stuff. I found Dalrocks first and then followed blog links from there. Many of us very much appreciate all the time you writers put into this endeavor.

  13. In blogging, Dalrock with his millions of hits is a mid sized blogger, the super blogs as found on insta-launch (note he is getting launched more and more often so hold tight) have orders of magnitude more still. The sum of the links on Dalrocks page, which i am honored to have been placed there, if you take out Vox and Rollo, maybe a couple other big ones, will not touch Dalrocks traffic. That is wonderful because as a Christian sphere writer, he is the big break out. Yea, Vox is Christian too, but Dalrock stays on message consistent with a man that, well, men like me can associate with and not have to make moral exceptions.

    One great service is how many women show up spitting at dalrocks. They may never change, but they at least read some truth

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