Friends lead men to da pornz, God (and her friends) lead her to divorce

It is 106 degrees here. So this Jimmy Evans email gave me a rash:

He was a deeply committed man of God, and I loved him dearly.

But that changed when he took a job in another city and moved his family away.

To be blunt, the man who hired him was extremely ungodly. My friend’s new job kept him busy and prevented him from getting involved in their new church. Worse, it required a lot of travel—usually with the new boss.

An ungodly companion, frequent travel, and diminished church commitment. This was a recipe for disaster.

Several months later, our friends returned for a brief visit. We had them over for dinner, and I thought the man seemed distant and guarded. Karen noticed as well. “I don’t like the way he looks at me,” she said after they left. “I just feel uncomfortable around him.”

She couldn’t put her finger on it, but we knew something was different.

Less than three weeks later, I got a call from his wife in the middle of the afternoon. She was frantic, and crying so hard she could barely talk.

“He’s leaving me,” she said. I heard her children crying in the background. Stunned, I asked to speak to her husband.

“Don’t try to talk me out of it,” he said when he finally came to the phone. His voice was cold and callous as he told me he wasn’t happy because his wife didn’t give him enough sex. He thought he deserved better.

I knew it immediately: pornography. It soon became clear that this man and his boss had been watching porn in their hotel rooms and visiting strip clubs on the road. Influenced by his new work companion, my friend had allowed his mind to become infected with filth.

Interesting. Jimmy Evans KNEW it immediately. Prescient of him. But what he doesn’t know is that for every man this may or may not be true about (as causative for divorce), how many women sit amongst their gaggle of gigglers and ramp up the discontent by swapping things “God showed them” in the marriage books they have been reading? And what about that sex denial thing? Here is the fulcrum. He (maybe) viewed porn because he was sexually refused (reason, not excuse); she filed divorce because he viewed porn/she didn’t feel loved/she hated the cut of his jib/whatever (excuse AND reason).

And what is up with the “I didn’t like the way he looked at me” remark? Avert your eyes man!

Jimmy, shatter the veneer of sweetness that covers the sickness of female divorce contagion, then you will be spending your time in uncharted waters, and maybe make a difference.

Nah, didn’t think so.


18 thoughts on “Friends lead men to da pornz, God (and her friends) lead her to divorce

  1. A tidbit. Assumptions. So much unsaid in the email. One speculates.

    But, that apart, you point to typicals, and they have general merit.

    Men have always had to ‘travel’ to work and women are always ‘left behind’ to stew. They discuss and plot and calumnise their men with other women in their ‘group’.

    As a man I have always been offended with the ease with which women discuss their menfolk’s sex-lives. As a man I barely mention to other men just what my wives sex performances, inclinations, ‘difficulties’ were. When women do that it is a sort of emotional rape.

    [Ive been meaning to catch up with you on Skype….While away on vacation its tough, will get around to it soon though and hope you are well]

  2. It might be true. Actually both sides are quite possibly true. The wife was denying him sex and he was using other outlets as a result.

    I guess what should happen when this sort of thing happens is to ask the wife, “What did you think would happen?”.

    It would be good if the question could be posed. “If you are denying your husband regularly will you be upset when he leaves you for someone else?”

    Of course that question could likely never be asked without inviting howls of protest. However reasonable the question is.

  3. Until the sources of women’s dissatisfaction with marriage leading to divorce are seen and dealt with the same way porn is, nothing will change. There is functionally zero difference between man’s sexual expectations being warped by porn and a woman’s relational expectations being warped by, romance novels or soap operas or Oprah or any of number of other things.

  4. Chaz:
    Or more accurately, men turn to porn because most women offer them even less than virtual sex does.

  5. @ Eric,

    As one who has been there in terms of porn use, and who has talked to a lot of guys, it seems rather uncommon that a man starts using porn because of a dissatisfactory sex life with his wife. For most who get to the point where it’s a real problem their use starts sometime in their early teens, long before they are married. And since porn use fills an entirely different “need” than sex with one’s wife, even a wife that acts like a pornstar isn’t likely to have too much effect on his porn use.

  6. I key difference between a man who is dissatisfied with his marriage for sexual reasons and a woman who is dissatisfied with her’s because of relational ones is that the man is FAR less likely to actually initiate a divorce, probably because as unhappy as he is in his current situation, he knows that the results of a divorce will be are less pleasant. The system so favors women that they have no similar factor preventing them from filing. The really sad thing though is that even with the system so heavily skewed in their favor, most often after a divorce a woman is worse off by many different metrics than before. Just another sad case of the bill of goods sold to them by modern feminism being a lie.

  7. I disagree with that conventional wisdom, as well as the oft cited analogy that an alcoholic doesn’t drink because he is thirsty.

    The analogy fails because to claim an alcoholic drinks for thirst is absurd, the alcoholic drinks for the alcohol.

    The point really didn’t hinge on the porn being a “real problem” in the sense of calling sex addict etc. Its a problem from day 1, regardless of occasional or chronic.

    Taking the guy I was referring to, there is nothing there to suggest he was termed addict, nor that he was hooked from childhood or any of that.

    I have no data or surveys (but I intend to look around now that you reminded me of this) but I believe that men will accept the scenario you describe as causative because it gets them out of trouble more so than any other path of confession. Ive been hooked since innocently stmbling across some mags under the bad is a less-hard-truth than, “honey it was the outlet i choose after 3 months of sexless marriage”….the reason that claim is not….CAN NOT be made is that it invites cries of victim blaming. The entirety of the counseling and therapy machine would be scared by that, hence would steer even a man who claimed it, away from it.

    Its just another part of the feminine imperative, even if that term is bothersome in some ways. Porn MUST be kept in the realm of unilateral….it just must. Given that, where do you go with it when explaining it?

    What can you say?

    I wanted variety=unhappy at home
    I was wanting more sex=unhappy at home
    My wife is fat=unhappy at home
    etc etc

    None of those are blaming, they are reasons not excuses. But the path to them has been walled off. To suggest that porn use and porn addiction is unrelated to sex is an amazing charge.

    On the flip side the advice is given, to keep a man happy, have regular good sex. So….if she does not, what then? The correct response is suck it up, but the weak response is what? Affairs? Porn? Why is porn use the only sexual acting out that is not tied to the mans sex drive?

    I hope I can find some info on this because if the church and its recovery groups are focused as you say, I think they are way off base, and they are that way because, as usual, they fear women

  8. Putting aside the Christian standard that any porn use is wrong for a second, if you look at men for whom porn use has become problematic, it is the case that nearly all of them started, not as a response to a frigid wife, but much earlier in life. It was the case for me, and it was the situation related to me by every man I’ve talked to about it in a context where they had nothing to gain or protect by lying about it. While the idea that porn use is driven by sexually refusing wives is convenient, and would give us a point of leverage in getting women to accept responsibilty for their own wrongs, I’m afraid that it’s just not often the case. Many of the porn using(or porn addicted) men that I’ve encountered had very willing and often incredibly attractive wives. I agree that women need to be told that being sexually available is important, but telling them that they need to be so in order to prevent their husband’s from using porn isn’t accurate.

    “Porn? Why is porn use the only sexual acting out that is not tied to the mans sex drive?”

    As non-sensical as it sounds, addictive or habitual porn use isn’t really sexual. Yes sexual arousal happens, and usually some form of sexual release. But the behavior isn’t usually driven by his sexual desire. I doubt you’lll be able to find any real data on this though. You may need to do your own research which would obviously be very problematic. And as counterintuitive as it sounds, I think you’d be more likely to get people saying “yeah I do it because my wife won’t put out” when that’s not true, than the other way around because that’s easier that facing whatever it is that they are trying to avoid.

  9. I wish we could edit:

    Habitual or addictive porn use is about avoiding or “medicating” pain the exact same way that drug or alcohol use is. So a sexually refusing wife can drive porn use but it’s the pain of that more than it is the fact that he’s got no sexual outlet.

  10. I went without sex for 5 years in my marriage, no affairs. I was stupid and should have ended the marriage sooner. Like the third time she said no.

    Is porn and affairs the weak way out? I say no. Accepting the abuse sexual denial is without taking action is the weak way out.

  11. I’ve talked about the problems of pornography before–about how the real issue is that it can give a false understanding of sex and be distracting. However I have to say this: it would be about as distracting as say Pro-Wrestling would be from actual understanding of self defense and dealing with real world violence would be if we had a generally accepted approach to sexuality that wasn’t pandering to various popular opinions and empathy driven lies. The Churchian approach to dealing with sex generally is dysfunctional.

  12. Ton:
    True. Tolerating abuse is truly the weak way out.

    Chaz & Empath:

    While there are a minority of cases where porn use isn’t tied to sexuality, the majority of it is. Men are turning to porn because of female callousness and frigidity. Many people who believe that porn use makes men unable to have sex with women are reversing the cause and effect. Sex does require a degree of emotional bonding and most women—with their selfishness and misandryist attitudes so repulse men that men would rather choose satisfaction in fantasy.

    It doesn’t make any difference how hot the girl looks: if she’s condescending, critical, and complaining about sex, men are not going to care about having sex with her—and that DOES describe most females—who take their sense of entitlement and their ‘it’s all about me’ attitudes to the bedroom just like everywhere else. Men with low self-esteem are going to turn INCEL and be afraid of sex, men with higher self-esteem turn their backs on women and seek sexual gratification elsewhere.

  13. @ Eric, That files in the face of everything I’ve experienced. Most men I’ve talked to who have a porn problem start long before they are married. And I’ve talked to a higher than typical number of men about it because I was one of them.

    If problematic porn use was caused by a frigid wife, then why does almost every guy who has a porn problem, including Christian ones, report that they started in their early teens?

  14. Chaz, because some of them are lying. That’s what men do, and you realize that in almost every other area of discourse about these subjects. The church has “settled” that narrative into it being the most palatable for the women, receiving the least amount of ire from women, so of course men will glom onto it.

    That a man looked at porn as a teen is not the same as saying he “started in his teens” because the word “started” has an implication of an ever escalating issue that would have proceeded like a train wreck whether he was married or not. Whether a frigid wife drives a man to porn or not, its not credible to suggest that introducing a wife into the mix, whether the man has seen porn, looks occasionally, never seen it, or is hopelessly addicted, has zero effect on the dynamic. That is just not credible. So once you decide that the introduction of the wife has SOMETHING to do with it, then the question is merely what?

    But you could never even introduce the benign train of thought I just did into the therapeutic groups especially in the church as it would immediately and vehemently be shamed as blaming the victim. Hence the notion cannot even honestly be explored.

    None of this precludes an individual man as being as you say. But given the mountains of evidence that men will avoid the hard issues with women, its not unreasonable to assume the same on this. How many men say they are happy with their sex life and are not….if they know wife will know that he answered a certain way? How many men would DARE say they were less than pleased with their sex life with their wives? How many men leave marriages because of sexless or very infrequent sex with wives? Not many at all. Because men MAKE DO and stay married, and some of that is a reason, not an excuse, for some porn use.

  15. There also seems to be a general lack of ability to discern different elements of a problem and how they make up a whole, and an impatience with that process. The adultery occlusion is simple and easy and requires no analysis.

  16. Pingback: Links and Comments #14 | The Society of Phineas

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