Many Christian men lead sex lives of quiet desperation. Maybe most. And for good reason. The wives of these men are pleased in the knowledge that their man is sexually sated because the husbands tell them they are sated. Why are these men not having sex with their wives, and why are they telling their wives that they are happy with the sexual status-quo? These two questions have the same root answer.
Because of what men are taught about married sex they focus their efforts incorrectly. The disingenuous answer to the question, “honey are you happy with our sex life?” is a part of their misplaced effort to get more sex. Failure on failure. Synergy in futility.
Several years ago Marc Rudov wrote Under the Clitoral Hood. His was the first voice I really read about female sexuality that didn’t worship at the alter of supplication. But, I was not then nor am I now convinced he gets it quite right. He does get close on the nature, but he chooses to spend too many words on sex techniques and anatomy. His ultimate conclusion was that women are “more horny than men”. That is too simple for me; flies too much in the face of reality by conflating male and female horniness.
Reading the article Dalrock linked hit more real life experience based sweet spots, therefore it felt more plausible. But I am a Christian. I look at things differently. Its interesting that we share some things with monkeys, and that the female monkeys are dry humping the males all day. They are created and they are monkeys. What about men and women, image of God, spirits, all that?
Behavior based on reproductive and pleasure drives is fine as a basis. But with the spirit included we can get closer to the truth. I have no thesis beyond what the Bible already tells us about our sexuality and how we should each, husbands and wives, handle it.
Here you can read the exact opposite of the truth. And men line up for this stuff. No, really:
I discovered from the participant guide that the event producers had advertised this workshop as “how to get more sex in your marriage.” Needless to say, about 780 out of the 800 men in attendance showed up at the workshop
Before I write about what the author said regarding how to get more sex in your marriage I need to take a side trip into what the same author says about men in general. In his article “The Heart of Masculinity” he writes:
An authentically masculine man puts aside his needs, desires, wants–and sometimes even his dreams–for the benefit of others. He does this without fanfare and frequently without anyone even noticing. His life is not about his individual rights, achievements, or happiness; it’s about making life better for others. His sacrifices are part of his character and give his life significance. He meets these sacrifices with the stoic nobility that God granted all men by right of their birth gender.
Ok. Correct. This is biblical as stated. The man who is living this authentically masculine life is undeniably a good man. But apparently that has no bearing on how much sex he is able to get in his marriage. That, despite the fact that sexual denial is specifically verboten per scripture with the one mutual exception. The totality of the churchian marriage relationship is based on taking what Johnson describes as true masculinity and setting it aside as a given. It is the baseline, the minimum.
To get sex, he drags out that old set of well worn churchian hoops:
I talked mostly about a woman’s needs and how best to fulfill them. I told the men that understanding a woman’s need for romance would be a key factor in having an enjoyable sex life – that women are physically stimulated through romance because it meets their need to feel cherished and loved. To be romanced is to feel special and valuable. To be romanced is to be pursued. Nearly all women derive some self-esteem or sense of worth from knowing a man wants and desires her. It makes her feel loved and attractive. When her need for non-sexual affection is met she is more able to respond with physical affection.
I know that you, reader, have heard all this to nausea inducing degrees. But, Mr. Johnson doesn’t think we Christian men are getting this important message. In fact, he would say we are getting the wrong teaching more often than not:
Rather than advice from a Lothario’s perspective (which is what most books in our culture promote), we need to teach men (young and old) practical, common sense advice on how to fulfill their wives’ deepest needs
And once we get this new innovative edgy and challenging message we may be lucky enough to get a little bit more sex, and that, well, that could be kinda OK if we happen to.
to create harmony, joy, and contentment in the lives of their spouses. And if they happen to get a more fulfilling sex life because of it – so be it!
Back to his description of masculinity, he flirts with the real truth of sexuality and doesn’t realize it.
Like modern-day gladiators they stand in the ring facing the challenges of life with courage and passion.
Yes. The modern day gladiator is the man with alpha frame. But Johnson says they needed more than that in order to get more sex. And they got it from him. Lives were changed during his presentation. Men were changed, marriages were changed, and gratitude was displayed.
But surprisingly, many came to me afterwards, some with tears in their eyes, and expressed genuine thanks for the epiphanies they had received regarding their wives’ needs
These men left that conference with the assurance they were going to be on the receiving end of some seriously hot………circle rubbing on their backs on Sundays.
During the week the gladiators would be having sex with their wives.