[sorry, a funny, cheesy, but clever forwarded email]
Americans with No Abilities Act, HB S-11E4
President Barack Obama and the Democrat-led Senate are considering sweeping
legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans
With No Abilities Act is being hailed as a major legislative goal by
advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
“Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive
necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said
California Sen. Barbara Boxer. “We can no longer stand by and allow People
of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation,
employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of
workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.”
In a Capitol Hill press conference, former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal
Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without
regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any
job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons
With No Ability.
Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against
the inept include retail sales (72 percent), the airline industry (68
percent), and home-improvement warehouse stores (65 percent). At the state
government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent
record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level
positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real
responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to
guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The
legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a
significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management
positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that
agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to
make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for
example, discriminatory interview questions such as, “Do you have any skills
or experience that relate to this job?”
“As a non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have
something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a
lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to
remember righty tighty, lefty loosey. “This new law should be real good for
people like me. I’ll finally have job security.” With the passage of this
bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a
light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Sen. Dick Durbin: “As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same
privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every
American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and
every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort
of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.”