iVillage is teeming with modern secular familial advice. I read it there to to see how much of this is prevalent in churchian circles. Need I even wonder? More and more, reading and listening to women’s divorce postmortem machinations, or pre-death-of-marriage rationalizations, it is obvious that breaching the wall of separation between church and state should be of far less concern to Christians than breaching the wall of separation between church and culture.
The site is bursting with feel good advice, twisted representations of facts (see Single Parent Myths Uncovered for a wonderful how to obfuscate and dissemble actual facts) and illustrations of cultural slippage. Before I get into the article I mean to highlight here, there is another piece there can can elicit a wry cynical smile if you care to read it, its about a woman jailed ostensibly for parental alienation-then however you get into it and find that that was not really her straw and camels back at all. The comments are surprisingly bold. Its old so forgive me if its old hat for you.
Today’s I explore the 18 things no one tells you about getting a divorce. Take your phenergan to tamp down the nausea. The gag reflex however will still kick in when digesting silly pop psychology like this. How do people take each other seriously anymore? This reads like one of those goofy ad council ads on the radio, paid with your stimulus money.
Buried in the 18 things were a few that really jumped out as stuff the young women’s bible study group would talk about when one in their midst is contemplating or executing a frivolous divorce.
You’re Braver Than You Know
You’re going to hear a lot of people telling you that you’re taking the easy way out and that you should suck up all the hurt and sadness because you took vows or because it’s better for the kids. Ignore them. It takes a huge amount of courage to stand up and demand a better life for yourself, your kids, and, yes, even your ex.
Courage seems to be on the ingredient list in the diet for all the strong independent women. It takes courage to drop a husband who most often has no interest in ending the marriage. And tearing the kids away from their dad so they can ride the carousel at the mall with dad every other weekend, then watch mom ride the carousel with Ted/Bob/Frank/Jim/Joe…..etc. the rest of the time is, well, as the writer says….its worth it:
A Sex Life. You’ll Have One. A Great One!
There’s something altogether different about post-divorce sex. For one, especially when you’re dating or in a new relationship, it can be hot with a capital H. The newness, the freedom, the excitement of being with a person you’re really attracted to can make for some serious Os. But what’s also different is that for, perhaps for the first time…or at least the first time in a long time…you get to be in charge of your sex life. And that confidence allows you to connect deeply with a new partner [ for for the love of Pete, do NOT stick to just Pete, get the rest of the phone book in there too is it even possible to have too much of such good things]- and with yourself in a whole new way.
Back to the bravery:
Making a change is always harder than sticking with the status quo, so be proud of yourself. [Much harder, you actually had to be out of the house for a couple of hours while the court allowed your husband to come get some things to put in his new studio] As for the kids: They deserve to have happy parents who can actually be present for them — and they deserve the chance to see what a healthy relationship looks like so they have a shot at having one someday, too.
Those lucky kids. Learning by repetition has been written out of most pedagogy curricula but when it comes to relationships, watching mommy be happy again and again (don’t stop!) is a priceless collection of teaching moments.
Once News is Out, People Will Tell You They’ve Had a Bad Feeling About Him for Eons
You’ll ask them why they never said anything before. They’ll say, “Oh, you know, I didn’t feel like it was my place,” or “I didn’t think it would change anything…you were so in love with him.” Both may be perfectly true, but having this information now isn’t helpful or supportive. Feel free to say as much.
This is an important point. Women tend to know how the other(s) feels. Empathy 101. After any exchange on any topic, the juiciest of which are relational, friends, family, spouses, whatever, the resultant empathogasm meets the deepest emotional needs. The writer does dish that others out to stop trying to get a little piece of her empathy extravaganza by saying they knew it all along. This baby is HERS, and she is due at least a year, maybe more, or unchecked empathy flow in one direction.
Sarcasm aside, this dynamic is why women simply do not hold other women to account. They just don’t. In fact, rather than question the wisdom of blowing up the family, they knew it all along. “What took YOU so long to see he was a jerk, ya never shoulda married that louse in the first place.” SEE? I know just how you feel.
You Must Find Ways to Be Kind to Yourself
Divorce comes with a tremendous amount of guilt, and it’s going to be very, very easy to blame yourself for, well, pretty much everything. Number one: It’s not all your fault. Nobody chooses the end a marriage unless they’ve wrung their heart dry with trying. [Really?]So as you move forward and try to take care of everything and everyone else, remember to take care of yourself. Spend time with friends. Go for walks. Splurge on a spa day. And if you’re really struggling, don’t hesitate to see a therapist. Getting a totally objective point of view can be incredibly validating and reassuring. [And do not deny Peter to play with just Paul, Cheery “O”‘s lower cholesterol]
You’ll Wonder How and Why You Stayed So Long
Once you have a little distance, you’ll be able to look back at your relationship and see it for what it was. You’ll be shocked at what you accepted as “just part of being married.” But here’s thing: Marriages fall apart slowly. You accept one small thing and then another and then another. You keep trying and hoping things will get better until the moment arrives when you know it won’t. And only then can you make a change.
Indeed, like she says, the ex is happier, you are happier, the kids are elated, and they get to see what a good relationship looks like. By divorcing your husband you will be showing the kids how to have successful long term relationships. Any idiot can see that.
I wish I could say that the sexual references were limited to secular culture. But they are not, and we all know it. With this package of encouraging rationale, women can walk confidently, courageously, happily, into a serious of monogamous relationships that are new, exciting, and where she is in control. What could possibly be wrong with that?
[All forms of emphasis, as well as [comments], in the pasted text are mine]