I’m thankful to Focus on the Family for affording me so much material to write about. I’ve been skipping over those articles that offered bad advice but were so narrowly focused that pointing them out would be little more than petty.
Comes today’s FOTF email, which recycles an article from 2007. There was quite a bit of parsing that could be done but I could not NOT write about the section called Gender Differences and the absence of critical thinking skills necessary to draw the conclusion made by the writer.
My associates and I have been researching commitment and sacrifice in marriage for years and have been finding fascinating differences between how the average man and woman operate. How the typical man feels about sacrificing for his wife or girlfriend is strongly linked to his commitment to the future with her. Think of sacrifice as all the small, medium and large acts in a relationship when one partner gives up something for the other without resentment. A man tends to give most completely to a woman once he has decided, She is my future.
In contrast, research suggests that women begin sacrificing when they have developed a strong emotional bond with a man. In some relationships, this means that the woman will give up a lot for her man long before he does the same for her. After years of sacrificing, she may end up shocked to find that he won’t commit.
G’head, read it again.
They are saying that once men decide, they are in for the long haul. They clearly suggest that a man takes time and care in reaching the decision, but once he does, he is true and rightly committed. They go on to say that women must form an emotional bond before they commit. Ok, no issue so far. But they then go sideways in a hurry.
To the writer, the emotional bond is it…..all that, the apogee. Never mind that an emotional bond, feelings, fickle, can form in a single encounter. Never mind that while they are heralding commitment over whimsy as the intent of the article, they are celebrating whimsy over commitment in the analysis of THEIR OWN DATA.
So, boy meets girl and girl gets some emotional attachment. (they don’t seem to really care if the guy gets emotionally attached or not’ which kind of explains the churches lack of real sympathy for unilateral divorce victims). The relationship moves along and the poor gal just starts giving and sacrificing like crazy! The man, though, as a cold pragmatic stoic, he is weighing pros and cons, he is evaluating his possible investment, he is (gasp) trying to be sure that he is sure. The nerve.
By the time that idiot figures out its going to be ok, she has wrung herself out giving to the moron. But she goes ahead with Her Big Day anyway.
The article stops there. We pick up 7-10 years later.
The man is still willing to give the investment the benefit of the doubt. He told the broker and he meant it, this is long term, even if there are periods under water, things cycle back around. The gal, however, never said or implied such a thing…well, except in those vows on HBD. But the feelin’s gone, there’s nuthin left to lift her up (sorry, cheesy lyric)….and she sees the past 7-10 years as her giving and him taking.
Those men and their damned lack of commitment.
But she has met this great new guy……