Family Life is at it again, today with a list, written (yawn) by men for men, called 40 Things husbands should stop doing.
Here are 40 of the best ideas. Of course, not all of these items apply to all men. But perhaps something here will hit home for you.
1. Stop acting like the battle is won in pursuing and getting to know your wife. Have fun together, just like you used to do before you walked down the aisle.
Myth: The reason there is so much fun in the beginning of the relationship is because the two are learning about one another. Each morsel is an interesting new thing to behold. Like a new board game, musical CD, movie, even friendship, the fun that results from the newness CANNOT last. We feel this type of fun because it boosts our egos. It tells us that someone is interested in us.
Let me illustrate this by offering something I heard in an interview with eclectic songwriter Sam Beam, who has a unique ability to tease nostalgia and feelings from mundane events. He says if we tell someone we feel great, or bad, or in love, they will say that’s very nice, and move along. There is little feedback in life that says anyone truly cares. Not necessarily relevant to the point here but he goes on to explain that’s why he writes as he does because it conveys things better than just stating them.
So, when we meet someone, we are both literally hanging on each others words, we are experiencing them in sensory overload , new and fresh big and small things, we chase those things from them as they do us. That makes us feel happy, heard, understood, and as if we are fascinating to someone else. We pursue that sensation and that is the so called pursuing the list here is getting at.
Sorry folks, It will not and cannot happen, and those people who do have great relationships after years of marriage DO NOT have them because they are able to “keep it new and fresh” in the sense of like when they were a new couple. This is a crippling myth that feeds a woman’s expectations emotionally.
Look here. In the Article Confession: Why I Cheated on my Husband, the writer states this plainly:
I was still living in the illusive notion that happiness was something that I could acquire from an external source, so I bought into a fantasy. It’s a fantasy that I see a lot of my clients buy into, which is that there is a fairy tale, one-sided man that exists to bring happiness to them. This is just not true.
According to the UK Adultery Survey 2012 by undercoverlovers.com, cheating women are more likely to stray as they are seeking emotional fulfillment, an improvement to their self-esteem and romance. When women cheat will depend on how fulfilled they feel in their marriages
In the meantime the other aspect of marriage, in fact the one that is supposed to be unique to marriage, sex, is possible to keep interesting. But the wife must be the willing partner to accomplish this in most cases.
I found a brutal comment following another article at the same place.
Commenter Cash Mccall says :
Nonsense: Marriages end with female biological death. Just like the salmon swimming upstream, once menopause sets in, a woman ceases to exist in the biological sense. She has died biologically speaking. It is estimated that 75% of woman in menopause are frigid. This is a medical study. Men on the other hand have no biological death until actual death.
Women are not really humans. They are hormonally driven robots with a very limited cycle of service. Women will get pregnant without marriage because that’s what they do. Then when they get pregnant the body dysmorphia sets in and they start to realize that life is an empty shell for them. They become depressed and then they hide away from males which is a good thing because at that point they will just bore everyone to tears with their inane personal depression issues and body dysmorphia. This gives new meaning to the words self-loathing.
Some women become Cougars and end up having their lives dashed on the rocks by some beta male with zits on his face. That is like taking an elevator to the bottom floor of the Depression lockdown.
Regardless whether the biological process leads to the destruction he cites (and indeed it does in many cases) it is not a satisfactory excuse.
I leave this myth at that.
There is too much here to myth bust each and every one in one log bentry. I chose the one I did because it is bigger in scope, and as taught, a one way street to family court.
Most of the rest are embarrassing male self-effacement and stupid.
2. If your wife is a stay-at-home mom, stop treating her like her work during the day is somehow less strenuous or less important than yours.
3. Stop coming home from work and plopping in front of the television for the night, leaving your wife to bear the responsibility for everything else going on in the home.
4. Stop working so much. Find a healthy balance between work and family. Your wife would rather have you than a big house, nice car, etc.
5. Stop acting like you’re listening when you’re really watching TV.
6. Stop allowing the spiritual leadership of the family to default to your wife.
7. Stop being passive when it comes to disciplining and training your kids.
8. Stop saying you know and understand what your wife is saying or feeling when you haven’t even listened to what she has to say.
9. Stop being a closed book. Open up to your wife. Don’t be afraid to show emotion.
10. Stop allowing your role as leader in the home to be an excuse for selfish behavior. Don’t forget that a true leader also serves.
11. Stop dishonoring your wife by criticizing her in front of your children or in public.
12. When you wife irritates you, don’t answer right away. Instead count to 10 and remember that she is a gift from God.
13. Stop using your size and strength and anger to intimidate your wife and children.
14. Stop using the word “divorce” in your vocabulary.
15. Don’t shy away from difficult conversations with your wife.
16. Stop saying you’ll do something and then procrastinating.
17. Don’t purchase any major item without first discussing it with your wife.
18. It’s impossible not to notice beautiful women who pass by. But don’t allow your eyes to linger. (And if your wife is with you, don’t lie to her and say you didn’t see that woman. Just admit you looked.)
19. Stop thinking, I know more than my wife. You and your wife will each have more knowledge than the other in certain areas.
20. Don’t assume you know what your wife is thinking. Ask her how she is feeling and why.
21. When your wife tells you about a problem she’s having, don’t immediately try to solve it. She may just need you to listen to her.
22. Stop the sarcasm. You may be trying to sound funny, but you’re only cutting down your wife.
23. Stop treating your wife like a child. Remember that God has given her a wealth of experience and information that you need.
24. Stop acting like God and trying to control your wife.
25. Stop pointing out her mistakes and asking for explanations. Doing these things can make her feel like a failure.
26. Never casually or disrespectfully talk to other guys about sex with your wife.
27. Stop telling your wife that she is supposed to “submit” to you. If she is not following you, that means you’re not leading her as Christ loves the church.
28. Stop feeding your sexual desires from any source other than your wife.
29. Don’t be alone with any woman who is not your wife or related to you.
30. Stop discussing deep-level issues with a woman who is not your wife or related to you.
31. Stop deceiving your wife about your finances.
32. Don’t look up old girlfriends on Facebook.
33. Stop putting a number on how often you should enjoy sexual intimacy.
34. Stop acting as if you have a GPS programmed into your brain. Before you go somewhere with your wife, get the right address and find out how to get there. If you are lost, don’t hesitate to get directions—from your smartphone map, even from a person.
35. Don’t make fun of your wife to other guys.
36. Don’t allow guy-only activities (like playing golf, basketball, etc.) to rob you of leisure time with your wife and kids.
37. Stop expecting your wife to do all the housework.
38. Stop saying, “Honey … can you get the kids to be quiet?” when the kids are being monsters. Get up and go quiet them down yourself!
39. Stop putting all your stuff in the laundry basket and then acting as if you “did the laundry.”
40. Stop acting like picking up a gallon of milk is equal to the martyrdom of St. Stephen.
Christian men and women, please go to Family Life’s site and comment on this inane list.