The sad realities of modern marriage rest heavy on me. There are men I know on various forums who are struggling in their marriages, these are Christian men in ostensibly Christian marriages who have been put back on their heels by the simple and singular expression of discontentment by their wives. Their reactions to that reflect the blue pill reality that is so aptly summed in the song about momma aint happy. They therefore, like men do, lean in, steel themselves and resolve to address this issue head on, now that they are made aware of it. But the way they head off to battle is also a reflection of decades of evangelical feminist indoctrination.
They become like soldiers who have chosen surrender as a battle tactic, because it ends the war and reduces casualties to a maximum potential of one, that being themselves. No matter if the two sides reengage putting a unified front facing the world (stay married) or split and create a DMZ between them, he is a casualty, a dead man either walkin, or not.
What they dont realize is you cannot yield more than ALL the territory.Men who find themselves in this situation, especially Christian men, try to sacrifice themselves into a winning position, though they will decry even the use of terms like winning and losing. After all, they got that lesson in coaches training for the YMCA little league. There are no winners and losers, that’s bad. So they yield and focus on addressing bad behavior that they unilaterally initiate. Devil lives in those details, because she sees his conciliatory posture as an open acknowledgment that all the bad things about the marriage, and hence her unhappiness, is based on his unilateral actions.
He knows this is not the case. He knows it in a rational factual way, unfortunately that is something he has never been able to communicate to her, and her multitude of counselors (shop till you get whatcha want) are telling her useful nuggets like “perception is reality, he must validate your feelings”.. even if she feels that he is morphing into the human fly. Huh? You object? That’s absurd? Is it then? So, where is that line between absurdity and credibility? Who decides?
I know….it depends doesn’t it. It depends on how she feels. Back, full circle. He continues.
He yields even more, yielding that even his responses to her outrageous behavior are really all his fault too, after all he can decide to not react that way and her stuff is her stuff and he will let go and let God and surely she will see that as virtue.
She doesn’t. She files a divorce.
Then he starts to really surrender everything. I’ve watched well intentioned men suffer the illusion that his signing off on anything she wants in the divorce is a demonstration of his unconditional love, and that as a last ditch burst or hopefulness, she will see his purity of motive and change her mind.
Lets assume that at any point in that process, after any one of the three or four areas he utterly surrenders, she decides to give HIM (not THEM) another shot. The operating rules have been rewritten and now include the openly surrendered territory. These are now tangible triggers that she can pounce on to initiate the whole process again, or to simply control the marriage, and that feels better to her than what started as a vague claim to being unhappy. Even she knows that having a specific complaint in the form of his broken promise is better than just saying she is unhappy. (nothing really stops her making one up if she needs it) He loaded her weapon, grabbed the barrel, and placed it on his forehead.
But man oh man he is a virtuous guy, and surely someone somewhere sees that. Or do they? When a woman divorces a man, or almost does, what to those in the periphery assume? They ask, “what did the man do wrong?”. After the false start, and his surrendering ground which usually includes his confessing anything and everything to all who will suffer through listening, does he really think they see his as a sacrifice? Or, should he realize that they see his as confession of his personal dysfunction and subsequent begging for an undeserved second chance, to which she, being benevolent and even inclined to altruism, appears to be the one who has sacrificed.
All of this is evident early on, long before there is a smell of trouble, in the church circles they occupy, as men stumble all over themselves to cop to any and all perceived wrongs in relationships. Men profess servant hood to wife and family, because wives like that, and there are few things more motivational than positive feedback from a woman. One thing that may be more motivating than positive feedback is negative feedback, which he will surely experience if he deign take his place as the servant LEADER of his home. Man servant good, man leader bad, best to be a female headed family with a facade of male leadership whereby the man is manipulated into leading where she wants to go. Oh, the delight of the Bible ordered family.
The Red Pill, given to a husband in a marriage prior to it blowing up in his face over her happiness will likely be choked back up like a hairball, like foreign matter the body rejects. But studies show that during and post divorce, prescriptions for red pills increase by orders of magnitude, creating more of these mean misogynists called men’s rights activists.
Wouldn’t you rather take the red pill and hold it down…before she grows unhappy and jettisons you?